So, Tesla had its big quarterly earnings call. You know, the event where a multi-billion-dollar public company is supposed to talk to its investors about boring stuff like profit margins, operating income, and vehicle deliveries. Instead, we got the Elon Musk Show, a one-man Off-Broadway performance where the main theme was, "Please, please, give me a trillion dollars."
I sat through the whole thing, and let me tell you, it felt less like a financial report and more like a hostage negotiation where the only hostage was Musk's ego. The numbers themselves were a mixed bag—record revenue, which is great, but a miss on profit, which sent the stock tumbling. A normal CEO would be on defense, trying to calm the markets.
Not Elon.
His strategy? Ignore the shaky present and scream about a glorious, sci-fi future that’s always just around the corner. It’s a playbook he’s run a thousand times, but this time it felt… different. It felt desperate.
The Robot, The Taxi, and The Wardrobe
When the numbers look bad, you gotta change the subject. Fast. And what’s a better distraction than a goddamn robot army? Musk spent a huge chunk of the call hyping up Optimus, the humanoid robot he claims will change the world. He’s teasing a V3 prototype reveal for early 2026 that he says "won't even seem like a robot; it will seem like a person in a robot suit."
A person in a robot suit. He actually said that. This is the sales pitch for a product that he admits has no existing supply chain and presents an epic manufacturing challenge. He’s talking about building a million of these things a year by the end of 2026. A million. Does anyone actually believe this? Are we supposed to just nod along while he sells us a plot from a 1980s movie?
This whole spectacle is a classic magic trick. It's like a magician waving a bright, shiny object—a walking, talking robot—to distract you from the fact that the core business, the thing that actually makes money, is showing signs of rust. The operating income is down 40% year-over-year. They're getting hammered by tariffs. These are real, present-day problems. And the solution we're offered is a robot that doesn't exist yet. Elon Musk said Tesla’s robot will be ‘incredible surgeon,’ left Wall Street with no guidance on EVs
Then came the Robotaxis. He’s "100% confident" he can solve full self-driving and expects them to be operating in "eight to ten metro locations" by the end of this year. We've been hearing this promise, in some form or another, for nearly a decade. It’s always just a few months away. How many times can you sell the same dream before people start waking up? It ain't a vision if it never arrives; it's a hallucination.
"Corporate Terrorists" and a King's Ransom
But the robots and taxis were just the warm-up act. The main event, the real reason for the call, was Musk’s impassioned plea for his $1 trillion pay package. This is not an exaggeration. He literally interrupted his own CFO as the call was wrapping up to launch into a rant.
He railed against ISS and Glass Lewis, two major firms that advise shareholders on how to vote. Their crime? They had the audacity to suggest that maybe, just maybe, a compensation plan worth the GDP of a medium-sized country is a little excessive. Musk’s response was to call them "corporate terrorists."
This is unhinged. No, 'unhinged' doesn't cover it—this is a level of megalomania that would make a pharaoh blush. These aren't terrorists; they're glorified accountants doing their job. Their job is to protect shareholder value from, among other things, CEOs who want to treat the company coffers like their personal piggy bank. Musk Hijacks Tesla Earnings Call to Vouch for $1 Trillion Pay Plan
Let’s not forget, a Delaware judge already voided his last insane pay package of $55 billion. So this isn't a new proposal; it's a do-over. It’s him going back to the investors and essentially saying, "The courts said no, so I need you, my loyal followers, to overrule them and make me the richest man in history by an even wider margin."
The whole thing feels so… tacky. Here’s the world’s richest person, on a call about his company's performance, spending his time whining that he’s not going to be rich enough unless everyone signs off on this astronomical payday. I’ve seen less needy behavior on daytime talk shows, and honestly...
Then again, maybe I’m the crazy one. The stock price, even after the dip, is still untethered from reality. Maybe in this bizarro world, calling advisory firms terrorists and promising robot butlers is just good business. What do I know? I still think profit should, you know, matter.
He's Not a CEO, He's a Candidate
This wasn't an earnings call; it was a campaign rally. The vote is on November 6, and Musk is running for the office of God-King of Tesla. He’s not presenting a business case; he's demanding a loyalty test. Are you with the visionary who promises you robotaxis and a glorious future, or are you with the "corporate terrorists" who care about boring things like corporate governance and financial sanity?
He doesn't want shareholders anymore. He wants believers. He wants a congregation. The question for investors is no longer "Is this a well-run company?" The question now is, "How much are you willing to pay for the privilege of being part of the cult?" And offcourse, we’ll get our answer on November 6.